The other day as I was doing my duty along the side of our adjoining fences, Aphrodite, (or Dee Dee as I call her) breathlessly flagged me down waving a wad of papers with what appeared to be mathematical equations.
“I’ve figured it out,” she gasped. “The world is going to end on December 31st”
“Look at these calculations,” she exclaimed, holding her papers up for me to see.
“I have no idea what I’m looking at,” I told her as I struggled to make sense of her formulas.
“Let me explain,” she said. “2012 has 366 days because it’s a leap year. Dogs have 6 points protruding from their body - their head, their legs and their tail. The Star of David ALSO has 6 points. My mother was the 6th of a litter born in a house with a Jewish family. 366 divided by 6 equals 61. 61 days is the average length of a canine pregnancy.”
“I was spayed 8 years ago on January 14th. 8 plus 14 equals 22. Take 22 and divide it by 2 (which is the number of boyfriends I had before I was hauled off to the vet) equals 11. 11 just happens to be the number of bones that I have buried in the back yard.”
“But wait, there’s more! The lunar cycle is 28 days and puppies have 28 teeth. 28 divided by 4 equals 7 which is how many dog years there are to people years.”
“A day has 24 hours divided by 6 (the number of points that dogs have protruding from their body) equals 4. And 4 is the number of times I had my toenails clipped last year.”
“Furthermore, I have 20 toenails and 20 times 4 = 80. Would you believe that 80 is the EXACT number of boards in the fence between our two yards!”
“Coincidence?” Dee Dee finished up with a flourish. “I think NOT!”
I could only look at her in stupefied amazement, my mind reeling through the maze of facts and numbers she had just laid out for me. She looked back at me expectantly, certain that she had clarified everything in minute detail to me.
Not wanting be appear moronic with my total lack of comprehension, I nodded my head thoughtfully as I studied her papers in silence. Finally, I carefully asked her, “So how do you know that the world is going to end exactly on December 31st?”
“It was right in front of me all along,” she blurted, hardly able to contain herself as she pulled another paper from the pile and held it up for me to see.
“That’s the date my calendar ends.”